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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432203">First Impressions Stink</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAonAOOO/pseuds/AAonAOOO'>AAonAOOO</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>First Impressions Stink - WTFDIDT? (why The Fuck Did I Do This?) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Boys Kissing, Farting, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Public Sex, Scat, What Have I Done</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:07:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,443</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432203</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAonAOOO/pseuds/AAonAOOO</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Before you read any further, this is entirely ironically and is INTENTIONALLY bad, and is a clear parody to the original source. (That being Homestuck)</p><p>Please let this NOT be you first time hearing of Homestuck, this WILL ruin it.</p><p>---</p><p>A short story about John Egbert meeting Dave Strider in a alt universe where Sburb never happened. Meeting in person for the first time they catch up on the time they've talked online, too bad John isn't entirely straight on meeting his long-time crush face-to-face, and shit happens (literally).</p><p>---</p><p>As you can tell, this is scat and fart fetish: not made to be taken seriously, and is solely one big joke. Nevertheless, you're here to read it, and I'm not gonna stop you, you disgusting human :)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Egbert/Dave Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>First Impressions Stink - WTFDIDT? (why The Fuck Did I Do This?) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>First Impressions Stink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John Egbert stood outside his home, the cloudless sky rained sunlight down on his neighbourhood, plastering it in a warm day. Looking back into his house, there were still wrapping paper left out, and a partly eaten cake sat on the kitchen table, and he smiled remembering that it were only yesterday he turned 18, and only last December was Dave's birthday, which he had celebrated to him online, rather than in-person like he wanted to. Dave had said the his Bro didn't want him to go out to see his friends, deciding FOR him on his OWN 18th birthday what was best for him, that day seemed more like one big therapy session between Dave, Rose, Jade and him.</p><p>Dave. That's what John wanted, although he liked those movie posters and all the love he got from his friends, but Dave; that's what he wanted to most. The boy he had been crushing on since forever, only knowing his personality and face, but not his touch. Touch... By God did John yearn to touch Dave, to feel his soft face, to hold his hand, to... kiss his tender lips and hug him tight, never letting go... Its all he wanted...</p><p>John was soon brought back to reality, swiftly taken away from his daydream of Dave, and saw that his Dad was waving for him to get into the car with him. He got into the car; backseat, and stared longingly out the window, thinking of the day ahead: him and Dave planned to meet together today in secret: to Dad this was John going out to buy things he wanted for his birthday, to Bro this was Dave going out to grab something to eat, and to Dave this was simply a friendly meetup, but to John? a date. And a day he'll never forget, because he was gonna confess his love to him in private. Although Dave had lived in Texas all his life, he had bought himself his own apartment, but kept living with Bro, even if it were messy, and was for the most part, a fucking nightmare, Dave resided there in nostalgia, after all: his games and his Bro were there, he wasn't going give that up too easily. But today, Dave had went out sate just to meet up with John, after all, he's 18.</p><p>Dad Egbert spoke up to him from the front seat: "John, now that your 18-"</p><p>"Yes, I know Dad, you already said this yesterday"</p><p>"I wasn't talking about that, John. I'm talking about... whats ahead of you; life"</p><p>"Yeah, yeah, taxes, marriage, drugs. School already taught me that, Dad!"</p><p>"Well... I guess your a real man now, son"</p><p>He looked forward onto the road, as his Dad turned out the driveway and down the street into the bigger city, and away from his suburban area, quite untouched by the busting inner city, but not untouched as to be isolated, after all, the year is 2014. After all the thinking about Dave, how they'd date, kiss and cuddle, laugh and grow together, it made John feel fuzzy inside, kept him warm and put a mile-wide smile on his face, but it also gave him a rock-hard boner, one that could be very well seen in Johns shorts that he wore: a big bulge to his semi-erect penis was made apparent, and he was so caught up in his imagination he didn't notice how his cock was getting bigger and bigger with every thought, until it was at full mast, and was aching to be let out and be used.</p><p>John looked down to see his meat in full form, pushing against his clothes, and he quickly crossed his legs and continued looking out the window, wishing his Dad hadn't noticed, but no matter how hard he tried, his dick wouldn't go down at all, if anything, thinking about his dick made him more horny, and his thought moved from loving to fucking: He wanted to spread Dave's legs and push into him, watching his face blush hard and let out a gasp as he reaches for the covers of the sheets on the bed to hold onto, how he's bend down to kiss him passionately while Dave put his arms around him while he pounded against him, Dave's pants getting more hot, more quick, until John cums inside Dave, filling him with hot cum, so much it leaks out his asshole onto the bed, slowly mixing with Dave's cum as he ejaculates at the same time.</p><p>John squirmed in the backseat as his penis dripped precum, while he tried to cover his blushed face while trying to stay calm.</p><p>"Hey, Son, I wanted to ask you, how come you've never asked to hang out with your "internet friends"?"</p><p>John perked up, trying to sit still while his head rushed between an answered and giving Dave a blowjob.</p><p>"uhhhhhh, I just, ya know, liked talking to them online, that's all! hey, uh, Dad? how long till we get there?"</p><p>"not long, I can see your eager to buy some presents back there, hope you have a fun time out today"</p><p>Slowly, his penis arched down, still leaking a little cum, but he didn't care: he was going to meet Dave today, and he was ecstatic out of his head about it, like how a dog would run around and bark when his own took him for a walk.</p><p>After a short drive, Dad parked his car, and gave John some money to buy with, and told him ho loved him, having John smile and wave as he left him, walking quickly to the place they'd agreed to meet at (at a small cafe, one that John had, been at when he himself was younger, and thought was a good place to meet, mostly to make more good memories there, and to introduce Dave to the nice good they had).</p><p>For a city in the early morning hours in April, it wasn't nearly as busy as he had first thought, and walked through it without any fuss or getting lost, and found the cafe fairly fast. He sat down outside, and ordered some food for both himself and Dave, picking the best options for him; best food for the best boy he's ever known. After looking around the cafe itself, it was pretty empty, in fact, the only people there were the employees and himself, and so John looked around to see if Dave was near, and to his surprise, Dave was standing behind him!</p><p>"Hey dude, you looked kinda lonely, thought I'd drop by" says Dave, as he sits down at the table with him, putting a small present in the middle of them, all with a wide smile on his face. John's face lit up like a Christmas tree with glee as not only has he seen Dave, he got him ANOTHER birthday present, he was so happy he didn't have words! opting to cover his face in embarrassment and giggling to himself. "Whoa there Egbert, it's just a present, no need to fan girl over it, I get that enough as it is with Jade!". John took his hands from his face and giggled some more, reaching over and looking at the box wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. "Bro didn't have anything else, so I just used Christmas shit, hope that doesn't mess up Mr. Egberts daily routine." John couldn't help but smile more; Dave was cute when he tried to be smooth, and so he opened up his present to see that it were... Apple juice? Dave looked him through his sunglasses and laughed "Here's the real question, is it piss, or not?"</p><p>John laughed with him "God Dave, you say the most weird shit ever" "You know it". John opened the lid and drank it down: apple juice, he passed the test. "Thanks Dave! but I've already ordered us drinks". </p><p>"Well, John. Here I am, your future husband sitting right in front of you, and you're already ordering me my own food. Might as well already be a married couple: so John, what's i like me being your wife? Is my cooking good enough? Need me to fix your tie before you go to work?"</p><p>"Haha! Sure, want me to get your toast before you leave to? butter it for you? Haha! You always know how to make me laugh."</p><p>"Before I get down on one knee, I wanna see what you got me, this cafe better have Mountain Dew and Doritos or I'm leaving a VERY strongly worded letter to the owner, all like: "Woman, do you have the <em>slightest</em> idea who your customers are, its Mr. and Mrs. Strider, we DESERVE our Mountain Dew, or you've lost your best customers yet.""</p><p>Both John and Dave laughed and joked away, and the waitress came up and gave them their food before leaving, and they ate their food, enjoying it as they did. They finished their food, and got up from their seats, and Dave asked what other tricks John had up his sleeve, and John playfully replies back "Oh, you'll see! I have some of that Egbert charm your always talking about". John lead Dave further down the street, and down a little allay away from prying eyes.</p><p>"Hey, John? why are we going down here? your not gonna turn around and mug me, are you, cause if so-" John stops suddenly and steps closer to Dave, and gives him a tight hug, resting his head on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around him and absorbing in the intimacy of the moment. This caught Dave of guard, and his hands hovered off Johns back, not knowing what to do. "Come one, Dave... hug me back! after all, don't you wanna hug your husband?", and so he slowly placed his arms around his waist, embarrassed, yet extremely happy that this is his first hug in, well, forever, and the same to John: his first hug to with the exception of Dad. They stayed there, embracing each other, loving every second of it, and John was more than ready to confess his love for him right here and now.</p><p>But something was off, a feeling inside John, it wasn't Dave: it was the same Dave he loved, it was something in his gut... It was...? Then it hit him, literally: John fucking sharted. Right here, right now, while hugging his crush, John sharts in his arms, and its not silent: a loud audible rip of his ass, and liquid shit runs down his legs, not the best seeing how he's in shorts. Johns own face doesn't even know what to make, other than to turn more pale than he usually is, but Dave is fast with a "What the fuck?"</p><p>This was it, the beginning of the end for him, he'll never recover from this, ever! Johns legs weaken, and he falls to his knees as he lets loose and more liquid shit farts out as John weeps, knowing Dave'll never love him for what he's done. Dave steps back, examining his hand, which now how burning shit covering them, and he just stares down at it, but slowly put his hands up close to his face, and licks the shit off of it, enjoying every second of it, slurping it up while John leaked shit out his anus. When Dave was done with his <strong>"meal"</strong> he pulls John up to his face and says "John... Your cute, you really are... but that ass CAN fart, and I wanna eat your shit like turkey on Thanksgiving, and dude, <strong><em>It's Thanksgiving time"</em></strong>  John looks up to him, and tenderly kisses him on the lips softly, tears still coming out his eyes, but to his surprise Dave slips in his tongue, and starts French kissing him.</p><p>They both kiss deeply and passionately, and Dave stops, and tells John to turn around: hands on the wall, and John willingly complies. Dave takes Johns shorts off, and and goes to town on his stinking ass. Putting his tongue right in his asshole to get it all while John is in a state mixture of crying and moaning in pleasure. John gets horny again, and his dick twitches from stimulation, and reaches down to jerk himself off while Dave's boner bulges and hardly restrains himself from taking his clothes off. He pulls his tongue out, and pulls out his 7 incher, and forces it into Johns virgin bussy, using the shart as lubricant, and John moans like a slut on Xvideos. Dave keeps ramming his cock into his tight ass, groping Johns ass hard while he does it; John taking it like a champ still jerks off, while his mouth drools with the thought that Dave is going to impregnate him right here on the street for everyone to see.</p><p>Dave pounds faster and harder into John, grunting hard as Johns cute slutty moans fills his ears and the sticky plaps against his hot ass, pre-cum mixed with shit: it turned him on harder and he pulls out of John, and jerks his shart covered penis while John turns around, his tongue sticking out ahegao style, waiting for his sweet cum to consume, but he grows to impatient, and grabs Dave's dick and deepthroats it, sucking it down like, using his tongue to circle around his cock, and suck on his cum: sweet as he imagined it to be. Dave yells loudly as he busts his seed into Johns mouth, and shoves his dick down as far as possible down his throat, and Johns stomach fills with his nut AND his shit.</p><p>John takes it all, drinking it all up. Dave pulls his member out of him, and falls down in front of John, both panting hard both painted in cum and faeces. John arches forward to Dave and whispers "Dave, fucking marry me, I love you, I <strong>LOVE</strong> you." and his face reaches closer to Dave's, and again they make out hard: deep into each other: a aura of true love (a stink) radiates around them.</p><p>When they're both done, they dress themselves again, and lick the rest of the cum off them, walking away from the scene of the crime behind them holding hands, lovingly looking into each others eyes, now a made couple bound by Johns extreme shart moment. After their own little shopping spree of buying them each tokens of their affection and a final kiss on the cheek, they part ways, planning to meet again.</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>THE END</strong> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Don't expect a part 2, I'd rather die than do something like this again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written out of pure spite for my friend that wont shut up about JohnDave. Oh, and while your here: spread the word, tell people about this, link it.</p><p>SPREAD THE WORD<br/>P<br/>R<br/>E<br/>A<br/>D</p><p>Like cum after jerking off to this, so sick freak. &gt;:)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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